If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

There should be more to writing than entertaining an already-brain-dead society and making money. If not, then you miss the point of writing.

the focus one finds in the grammar books is on the wrong forms, on forms detached from the underlying (or overarching) form that must be in place before any technical terms can be meaningful or alive

My dad always used to tell me that sometimes you have to have a massive storm in order to clear the sky.

If a person has enough desire, he will acquire the talent, he will build his skills.

I fed my Yak on my spare Cadbury chocolate 21,0000ft up Everest. It was a blonde, very sweet female Yak. I made it my pet after that.

You must forgive me, for I struggled only for you.

I'm definitely really shy on some level. But on another level, I'm all entertainer. It's a strange dichotomy, but it's true.

Twitter is just a great joke laboratory. You go in there and there are so many witty people that I know any joke I make is going to have a response with at least 10 great jokes coming back.

I don't want to sound superficial, but when I go see a movie myself, I'd rather look at Tom Cruise than some shmo with a beer belly

Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household.