If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

He shrugs. "Doesn't help to waste my time thinking about would've-beens."Laila whispers, "He says to the girl with a mind full of them.

We disqualify ourselves from communicating with God when we refuse to open our hearts to people

I wasn’t sure what was worse: being oblivious or living within reality. (Eric)

Our emotional response is driven by the proximity of events.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Lights are to drama what music is to the lyrics of a song. The greatest part of my success in the theatre I attribute to my feeling for colors, translated into effects of light.

Your woman wears underwear out in public,” Sabin said. “Must be nice. How’d you manage that little miracle?” “Only the Deity knows.

I was born in New Zealand, so I have a lot of family there.

Everyone is born with some special talent.

In the same way that we need statesmen to spare us the abjection of exercising power, we need scholars to spare us the abjection of learning.