If you become famous and you start making money, then people want to give you things. It's the exact opposite of how it's supposed to be.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

First love is amazing and wonderful, but a kind of panic underlies it, a sense of not knowing what you're doing.

We can enjoy a self-assurance that doesn't depend on the state of things outside ourselves, be it downturns or booms or whatever.

If the customer loves you, the government will have to love you.

Brokenness involves removing inappropriate pride and self-reliance and building healthy God-reliance.

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.

Drink to me. Drink to my health. You know I can't drink any more.

no army has ever marched into battle thinking that the Creator had sided with their enemy.

Surfers are the canaries down the mine. Those of us who surf spend more time than anyone soaking in whatever the sea has become. We're suspended in consequences, you might say.

All my life I have been a poor go-to-sleeper. No matter how great my weariness, the wrench of parting with consciousness is unspeakably repulsive to me.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.