If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

He looked at me, that first day, like he had just found something he’d lost a thousand years ago.

If being beautiful guarantees "Forever with You" I'll do whatever it takes.

Hema Malini and Nutan were my childhood crushes! I met Hemaji once when dad took me to the set of a film. Both these ladies stole my heart with their beauty and grace.

My work is one long triumph over my limitations.

My idea of good poetry is any dog doing anything.

Wealthy people understand we're one America, and we do best when we're all together.

I always felt like I had the word "illegal" tattooed on my forehead.

Let the rain sing you a lullaby.

Yielding is the manner of the Way.

He that thinks he can afford to be negligent is not far from being poor.