If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

David Stern might be the smartest executive in the history of professional sports. His obsession with the Vagrant Kings is one of the strangest stories.

A bachelor is one who enjoys the chase but does not eat the game.

Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.

A little man makes a mistake and they hang him by the thumbs; the big ones become ambassadors.

Neither great poverty nor great riches will hear reason

Your sin is not greater than God’s mercy.

Any city, however small, is in fact divided into two, one the city of the poor, the other of the rich; these are at war with one another.

After every single take, I laugh. It's my own awkwardness and discomfort about being an actor.

We need to reduce or at least limit U.S. demand for oil as quickly as possible, and we need to develop new technologies that can further help address our addiction to oil in the future.

Shame is quicksand on the path to soul.