If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.

American liberals today are hesitant to speak out against the denial of rights that is perpetrated in the name of Islam.

No phone. No pool. No pets. No cigarettes. Ultimate freedom... No longer to be poisoned by civilization, he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become Lost in the Wild.

India is decidedly not anything that was part of my upbringing or part of my experience or part of my preparation. I really fell into it the way one should fall into it, you know - through love.

The real juice of life, whether it be sweet or bitter, is to be found not nearly so much in the products of our efforts as in the process of living itself, in how it feels to be alive.

I've never had that concern of thinking of myself as stupid.

I don't write about anything I don't love even if that love sometimes gets all screwed up and tormented.

I don't believe songs that try to say everything in a simple slogan.

There is so much we can do to render service, to make a difference in the world - no matter how large or small our circle of influence.