If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Genuine wisdom has two major conditions: you cannot teach it, and you cannot make someone learn it.

My motto is to do everything absolutely flat out and to the best of your ability.

It would be a sad situation if the bag was better than the meat wrapped in it.

Love God; love others; do your best in all you do, even if you fall short!

There is no normality in life.

My goal is to be at the top of my game every night.

Every nation must now develop an overriding loyalty to mankind as a whole in order to preserve the best in their individual societies.

If we let go of our likes and dislikes, we will become fit vessels to receive the God's ever flowing grace.

We are, quite literally, gambling with the future of our planet- for the sake of hamburgers

We have a generation of people who think they can stand before the judgment seat of God despite their sins.