If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I was the last of the four Dresden dolls. Only me... and I didn't want to be here.

Still shuddering, he collapsed atop her on a long, strangled groan. It sounded as if someone had just wrung out his soul.Ella knew precisely how he felt.

I firmly disbelieve that one has to be a tortured soul to write good music.

The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness.

A tap-in is a putt that is short enough to be missed one-handed.

I would love having the job of president because I know how to do it. I know what the country needs.

When we say there is a GOD, we mean that there is an intelligent designing cause of what we see in the world around us, and a being who was himself uncaused.

It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theater from inarticulate glumness.

I didn't not perform.

You can't hit a target you cannot see, and you cannot see a target you do not have