If you'd spent your life being called "Gyles Brandreth", you would crawl across broken glass to achieve the bliss, the simplicity, the purity, the joy of simply being called "Bob".

He loved what he did, he loved being on Countdown - he just loved life

Gazing at the typewriter in moments of desperation I console myself with three thoughts. Alcohol at six, dinner at eight, and to be immortal you've got to be dead.

Praise makes me humble, but when I am abused, I know that I have touched the stars.

I think it should be made clear that the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, they have not got into bed together; they are merely sharing a room.

If God had meant us to go metric, why did he give Christ twelve apostles?

As a politician, you only meet two types of people. People with problems, and people who are right.

John Major. He dresses so well. And so quickly.

In the Members' Dining Room, the Conservatives eat at one end, the Labour Party at the other, while the Liberals wait at table.

I am the prince of procrastination. It is my besetting sin. I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after

Those who pay their bills on time are soon forgotten. It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.

When we fail we pursue the success.When we succeed we party.

The reality is that people reach for a Bible when they're feeling lost. But if they hadn't shelved it, maybe they wouldn't have gotten lost.

The known universe always feels easier even when it's miserable.

Goldie [Hawn] is one of the sharpest ladies I've ever worked with. She doesn't miss a thing. She's my greatest audience. She laughs at all my stories and in the right places, too.

I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women - I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

The most domestic cat, which has lain on a rug all her days, appears quite at home in the woods, and, by her sly and stealthy behavior, proves herself more native there than the regular inhabitants.

Words and works eat not at one table.

If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it.

No heart is so hard as the timid heart.

You know, Hollywood is a very interesting town - always has been, always will be.