If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Staying in an abusive relationship for the fear of public judgment is like allowing to be buried alive to impress a coffin maker

The wiseman knows and questions but what the fool believes he sees.

I don't know that there is much the United States can do except work with the international community.

Meditation really helps create not only a sense of balance... but serenity and kind of a calm state of mind.

Artists are the only people in the world who really live. The others have to hope for heaven.

I thought it would be funny to take a photo in the White House bathroom, I take pictures everywhere I go, but I don't think I can top that one.

We have more possibilities, more freedom, more options than any people who have ever lived. Yet there is more junk, more mediocrity, more garbage to sort through than ever, too.

Can't you see that everyone is buying station wagons?

Only tyrannies understand the power of art.

Australia would play its role in taking displaced people from the Syrian conflict.