If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Other translations may engage the mind, but the King James Version is the Bible of the heart.

Thy eyes hold countless stars yet to be discovered.

Art is about emotion

No church is perfect, but don’t let that discourage you. Someone has said that if you ever find one that is, it will stop being perfect the minute you join!

Here there was no monster greater than the ragged mountains.

A picture may describe a 1000 words but it will often need 1000 words to describe a picture.

The true university of these days is a collection of books.

One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.

It is a mistake to suppose that any technological innovation has a one-sided effect. Every technology is both a burden and a blessing; not either-or, but this-and-that.

I quite liked Sharkey and George and then there was a cartoon with rapper MC Hammer in it - Hammertime - I loved that cartoon, it was genius! They don't make cartoons like that anymore.