If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Nothing is more prejudicial to war than talk.

Eating was easy. Thinking was hard.

...we ought also to consider as false all that is doubtful.

For Beatrice, when we met, my life began. Soon afterwards, yours ended.

Films must all have the same structure. All of this to guarantee box office bonanza, which of course it never does, but that's another discussion entirely.

Prophesying catastrophe is incredibly banal. The more original move is to assume that it has already happened.

The best kept secret in America today is that people would rather work hard for something they believe in than live a life of aimless diversion.

Tell him I took the cat

I love my career right now, and I won't be with anybody until they make my life as satisfying and as happy as my work makes me.

All the green-screen stuff - all the special effects stuff - I shot right there in my house, in the basement in my theater room.