If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Since that night you walked through my dreams, the world is full of magic things.

People who say it cannot be done should have an encounter with God. Through God all things are possible.

A best friend is he who can emulate a dog but still can talk.

I still love the whole history of jazz. The old things sound better than ever.

Many, many people have done a lot more sexual experimentation than I have.

May your rice never burn,' is the New Year's greeting of the Chinese. 'May it never be gummy,' is ours.

What makes a good work of art is something that honors certain traditions and breaks with others.

I represent luxury, and that's what I love.

Even in the face of massive competition, don't think about the competition. Just think about the customer.

The material of literary talent is words; the material of story talent is life itself.