If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.

I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.

My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.

Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.

You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby... because he's Jewish and I'm Protestant and the baby's father is Catholic.

I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad's atheist, my mom's agnostic. Just constant fighting. There's no God! There might be!

If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs.

Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky.

Hope is enthusiastic anticipation.

I have to remember it is not love that has hurt me

A stupid mule is still smarter than a good horse or a bad man.

Evidence is the debris of a careless mind.

What a miserable thing life is: you're living in clover only the clover isn't good enough.

I want to speak directly to the audience, to say, 'I'm like you - I'm frustrated, I'm not an expert, I don't have a manual on parenting, I make mistakes, I'm selfish too.'

I met Picasso when I was a kid. I turned one of his drawings down which would be worth £37 million now. My dad wouldn't talk to me for a fortnight.

The writing begins when you’ve finished. Only then do you know what you’re trying to say.

Intellectual liberty [is] the right to think right and the right to think wrong. Thought is the means by which we endeavor to arrive at truth.