If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Knowledge is acquired by diligent study. But wisdom is given by the revere of God.

If you're going to lead people, you've got to have somewhere to go.

We, as children of God, have an advantage over the world

Anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it is going to be called realistic.

contempt is as frequently produced at first sight as love.

No honest hardworking official likes to see good money disappearing into the hands of the Treasury at the end of the financial year.

Change is growth. For me it has been a very spiritual and musical rebirth.

I write a song because I want to. I think the moment you start writing it to make money, you're starting to kill yourself artistically.

Repose and cheerfulness is the badge of the gentleman; repose in energy.