If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

You don’t want emotional walls to separate you from your spouse

The quality of a conqueror is to be judged as much by what he spears as by what he spares

Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

You can't ignore the reality that faith and family, those two things are integral parts of having limited government, lower taxes, and free societies.

You can't win them all but you can try.

Reality is a prison, where one vegetates and always will.

Wisdom, in the world of enlightenment, is not gained through conversation. Wisdom and enlightenment is something that you gain by making the mind still.

I don't think I've shied away from anybody. I'm not scared. I respect hitters, but I'm not afraid.

You are my hand grenade, my artillery fire. You have replaced my heart with yourself.

Money made me evil, court cases got me stressed Niggaz aimin at my head but I still wear my vest.