If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

It's a very brave thing to fall in love. You have to be willing to trust somebody else with your whole being, and that's very difficult, really difficult and very brave.

Your brand story’s “happily ever after” involves open wallets.

The man who would truly know God must give time to Him.

Even in this world of course it is the stupidest children who are most childish and the stupidest grown-ups who are most grown-up.

I'm proud that Colorado delivered a victory to Barack Obama in 2008 and we will do so again in 2012.

The energy and commitment I've experienced from the Paul Mitchell Schools is overwhelming. I love working with them to create the magic it takes to make a difference.

Women tend to give political candidates only about 10 percent of what males give, and males give women candidates only 10 percent of what they give to males.

Are physical forces alone at work there, or has evolution begotten something more complex, something not akin to what we know on Earth as life? It is in this that lies the peculiar interest of Mars.

Small thoughts fit easily into a closed mind, but big thoughts require an open one.

Sin thrives in the dungeon, but slap it on the table for all to see, and it withers rather quickly.