If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities have that thin veneer that they will not break for you.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

When you're older and wiser a lot of the ego has gone out of the window.

Nothing is impossible to a valiant heart.

Maybe there is no objective experience, but there is a certain way of interacting with all the subjective experiences.

As a child lives today, he will live tomorrow.

There are 190,000 privately-owned full-auto guns in the National Registry.

Sometimes I aid into the confusion by having my character's name be my name.

Fear the pleading prayer of a wronged one, for there is no veil between it and Allah.

Women are my biggest defenders. It's that bad-boy syndrome. Now girls chase me.

Justice Ginsburg is a very competent justice, and it is a joy to have her on the court, but particularly for me it is a pleasure to have a second woman on the court.

I'm not sure it's possible to stay in Hawaii. It's kind of impractical.