If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Never allow your thoughts and beliefs to turn you against your true positive self.

they thought I had guts they were wrong I was only frightened of more important things

'Totally mad,' he said, 'utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.'

I'm going to gather all the French people who want change.

I love actresses who are brave and don't do what's expected of them or don't play off how they look or take risks.

Mecca has been banned for Christians for hundreds of years.

You are not responsible for the disposition you are born with, but you are responsible for the one you die with.

If you're alone with nothing to do, the quality of your experience really plummets.

I am you and you are me; it is obvious we inter-are.

The universe does not behave according to our pre-conceived ideas. It continues to surprise us.