If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

What a strange world. We trade our days for things.

But then again, I shouldn't judge. That is, after all, my pet peeve.

You’ll never change the world just by complaining.

for me, to say I yet to begin gives me reasons not to look back and see what I have done but, to look ahead and see, understand and plan for what I am yet to do

If the eye really was a muscle, I had pulled it long ago.

Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that your are.

America will never run... And we will always be grateful that liberty has found such brave defenders.

I figure that if God actually does exist, he is big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.

You're the only person I've ever met who can stand a bookstore as long as I can.

I was always one of these people who is irrationally moved by stupid pop songs.