If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

You cling on to the truth

There are many who would much prefer that the word 'climate' never be mentioned and that the issue be eliminated from our national conversation.

In America, getting on in the world means getting out of the world we have known before.

My only two weapons: time and silence.

I like to be comfortable but I also like to look put together all the time.

Sometimes constraints actually create success. Not being able to swim made me run. And running taught me the discipline I needed as a writer.

A different drumbeat or some vocal overdub could completely transform the song.

I did a lot of smoker fights and fought pretty much every week since Pat wouldn't let me fight until he was sure I was ready. I was also boxing and so I had 30 unofficial fights or more of those.

Colombians! My last wish is for the happiness of the patria. If my death contributes to the end of partisanship and the consolidation of the union, I shall be lowered in peace into my grave.

Courage is always and only one thing: It is acting with fear, not without it.