If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Eat Ice Cream. Read Books. Be Happy.

Unfortunately, we force people to break the law in order to get any kind of mental health treatment.

We don't have to become big scholars, we don't have to become big supermen. We simply have to become a humble servant of Lord Krishna.

You can reverse your biological age by changing your perceptions.

I was never exposed to a great deal of racism, but the Chicago I grew up in was very, very segregated.

If one doesn't know one's own country, one doesn't have standards for foreign countries.

One day you are drinking the wine, and they next day you are picking the grapes.

I grew up in a big movie house, we watched movies all the time, so I had an awareness at a very young age that that was a job that you could have.

The gods see the deeds of the righteous. [Lat., Di pia facta vident.]

As for me, the only stuff I've ever had success with is when I'm trying to be completely original and not thinking about mirroring what else is out there.