If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

When you wear a mask, you are not real.

There is always a need to understand that others don't think the way that you do.

President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.

The great fear I've had to overcome is the fear of failure. You have to be willing to be afraid, if you're going to be an artist.

I don't think I'll travel anymore. Travel is nothing but an inconvenience. There is always enough trouble where you are.

There is certainly something of exquisite kindness and thoughtful benevolence in that rarest of gifts,--fine breeding.

I had the advantage of reading the book, and when the script was first submitted to me, it was just another gangster story - the east side taking over the west side and all that.

Making the record was tons of fun, the most fun I've ever had.

People destined to meet will do so, apparently by chance, at precisely the right moment.

Write about something you don't know. And don't be scared, ever.