If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Everything known and referred to as “impossible” is often what has not been attempted before. It will always have a change of name once it’s attempted!

We must be what we wish our children to be. They will form their characters from ours.

I rarely think in words at all.

You start to think bigger when you see how quickly a TV show can catch on in a whole country. That confidence, and thinking big, opened a lot of doors.

One's first responsible job is the great revealer - far more than school.

To love to teach is one thing, to love those you teach is another.

Heath Slater, or the chick from Wendy's

You see my tears, in the rain underneath it all, we're just the same.

We live and learn from our mistakes, the deepest cuts are healed by faith.

To be the key player in creating and scoring goals, that's what I take pride in, and the thing I know how to do best.