If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

...it is by our actions that we are destroyed or saved. The choice is ours.

Have you ever wondered what a church full of Pharisees would be like? 1. They would all attend every service 2. They would all tithe 3. They would all work in the church 4. They would all go to hell

Gold is the most useless thing in the world. I am not interested in money but in the things of which money is merely a symbol.

I'm mellower now, I'm over 50. But I don't think I'm too mellow. I'm still angry at a lot of things.

I stay a little longer, as one stays, to cover up the embers that still burn.

Wherever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger of oppression.

We suffer from an incurable malady: Hope.

For some reason, and for a time such as this, God has given me favor with kings and princes.

The key to life was rearranging the furniture.

A medal glitters, but it also casts a shadow.