If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

The center of the earth is about a million degrees.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I think it's important here to keep something in mind. I mean, when you're looking at last night and you see Matt Lauer unable to tell [Donald Trump], "Hey, you know what? You're lying here."

And then he tells her stories. Myths he learned from his instructor. Fantasies he created himself, inspired by bits and pieces of others read in archaic books with crackling spines.

No one making less than $250,000 under Barack Obama's plan will see one single penny of their tax raised, whether it's their capital gains tax, their income tax, investment tax, any tax.

My family is very musical, I was surrounded by it. And from four years old I was the one that asked my mother could I take piano lessons.

I am not aware that any community has a right to force another to be civilized.

My philosophy? Have a laugh for as long as you can and don't get run over. Or stabbed.

There is a power within you that will free you!

I don't personally believe that villains exist. Villains are just a way of saying that somebody has an opposing conviction.