If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Hate is hostility.

Nationalism is not the awakening of nations to self-consciousness: it invents nations where they do not exist.

That which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed.

There's always more than one path, and to think otherwise is what resigns you to fate.

My brother plays guitar and base and writes. His name is Chase Ryan.

I love music, and a lot of it. Jazz is probably on the top with guys like Miles Davis. But I even enjoy music from the '60s and '70s.

It is the spirit of the age to believe that any fact, no matter how suspect, is superior to any imaginative exercise, no matter how true.

The world is not a problem; the problem is your unawareness.

I would gladly admit women are superior to men if only they would stop trying to be the same as us.

There is no joy in the world like the joy of bringing one soul to Christ.