If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The warnings given to the Hebrews against assimilating with the heathen were not more direct or explicit than are those forbidding Christians to conform to the spirit and customs of the ungodly.

We violated each other’s boundaries with verbal missiles of anger disguised in the pretense of “just kidding.

We have to go in places no body would ever think of going into were it not for the necessities of war.

The role of the teacher is to make sure that the practice is pure. By guiding the student, you make sure that they are really going into the planes of light and not fooling themselves.

What did she see in me? What does she see that I don't?

So youve been over into Russia? said Bernard Baruch, and I answered very literally, I have been over into the future and it works.

I'm not a writer where I feel particularly blessed by great inspiration every day. I don't. I have to work really hard at it to try and say the things I'm concerned with.

God waits to win back his own flowers as gifts from man's hands.

Wine is the first weapon that devils use in attacking the young