If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

The Bible warns that money cannot buy happiness! Money cannot buy true pleasure. Money cannot buy peace of heart. And money certainly cannot buy entrance into the kingdom of God.

Could there be anything more sad and more lonely than remembering what terrible things the future will bring?

Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on

I felt I came back rather quickly from being ill and didn't give myself the time to reflect.

Vast, colossal destiny, which raises man to fame, though it may also grind him to powder!

Don't speak evil of someone if you don't know for certain, and if you do know ask yourself, why am I telling it?

Only the really plain people know about love - the very fascinating ones try so hard to create an impression that they soon exhaust their talents.

I'll do one eventually as life's too short and none of us is getting any younger. I'd like to make one while I still look good and before I look like Phil Collins, which, eventually, I will.

I think it's important for me to show the world that sobriety hasn't made me soft. I'm on a mission to prove I'm still a nutcase.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.