If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

If you are open to life’s lessons and do not feed on beliefs and prejudices, you are like a blank sheet of paper on which God writes his messages to you in holy ink.

You want a great life? Well, greatness is on the other side of that fu**ing wall... don't just go over it, go through it! What are you waiting for?

Darkness dwells within even the best of us. In the worst of us, darkness not only dwells but reins.

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

I was searching for something a little more than a dashing metaphor, a good deal less than a cultural map: and for those purposes the two cultures is about right.

I'm never offered any sort of roles. I need to audition in a typically lengthy process to receive roles.

You don't need millions of dollars or millions of people if you're doing what you love.

The measure of performance of any given agent is the amount of money it accumulates through its actions.

I think there's a bit of me in every character. Basically it just depends on what happens with the character.

I never lived in an abandoned railroad station.