If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

No one has the right to place one human being in a position of political power over another.

It is your life, accept the challenge.

I can't afford the luxury of music while I'm flying an airplane. I have to pay attention to what I'm doing.

Regardless of whether or not God exists, God has no place in mathematics, at least in my book.

Little critters fried like fritters come out crunchy and divine.

Of course, I have the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy, like crying jags for no reason and then the next day I can't even remember what I was crying about!

I'm a huge fan of dance cardio because it goes by really quick.

The arts are not a way to make a living.

A child who has a grandparent has a softened view of life, the feeling that there is more to life than what we see, more than getting and gaining, winning and losing.

Shakespeare's plays often turn on the idea of fate, as much drama does. What makes them so tragic is the gap between what his characters might like to accomplish and what fate provides them.