If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Love, not because of beauty, because of who they are.

I had a very simple life growing up in the farm country outside of Perugia, and biscotti and warm milk with a tiny bit of coffee were a big part of my morning ritual before walking to school.

Liberals love to strike generous, humanitarian poses with other people's lives.

I started working occasionally for my father when I was around six. The first skill I learned was how to join a plug to a wire.

In the years before the war, whenever [Adolf] Hitler would be holed up in Bayreuth, Eva [Braun], myself and our mother often went to Italy for a week.

The more consistently Austrian School an economist is, the better a writer he will be.

I'm used to being under pressure... luckily I perform well under pressure.

Sometimes you have to admit that a relationship can't be fixed. That no matter how much you want to, you can't trust some people.

The sky is my prayer, the birds are my prayer, the wind in the trees is my prayer, for God is all in all.

I fight because international law recognises my right.