If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

To love someone so deeply is to risk losing yourself forever. Once I admitted my feelings to him, there was no going back—no hope to ever make my heart complete without him

In this country American means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate.

You're the most unknown famous man I ever met

I find it funny when people try to brag about being younger than me...like having lived less is an accomplishment. Makes me want to pat them on the head, lol. I'm comfortable with who I am.

I know you're Belgian, that's where those waffles come from.

When it's a pop song, I don't really want to do pop songs, but they exist and sort of come out by accident.

No man is poor who does not think himself so. But if in a full fortune with impatience he desires more, he proclaims his wants and his beggarly condition.

Whiskey just naturally likes me but beer likes me better.

There is great satisfaction in a well-made clean tool that does its work well.

Long live the car crash hearts Cry on the couch all the poets come to life Fix me in 45