If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

All is fine with the world...

A car for every purse and purpose.

Time is what the clock says.

It is not that I think or believe, but that I know.

For you have in your possession a sacred trust. Guard it well.

If you want to learn to swim you have to throw yourself in the water.

Religion is never the problem; it's the people who use it to gain power.

The essence of generosity is letting go. Pain is always a sign that we are holding on to something - usually ourselves.

Hate I shall, if I can; if I can't, I shall love though not willing.

Vice, like disease, floats in the atmosphere.