If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

Chase your dreams and your nightmares will grow tired of chasing you.

If nobody throws all their rules at you, you might make a song with no introduction.

O money, money, how blindly thou hast been worshipped, and how stupidly abused! Thou are health and liberty and strength, and he that has thee may rattle his pockets at the foul fiend!

There is no doubt that religious fanatics have done more to prejudice the cause they affect to advocate than have its opponents.

Success will be when every child in the world has access to a service like Childline and knows that someone who cares is just a phone call away

You get such a kick and then it's all over. That's good ground for uncertainty and depression. I usually burst into tears.

American people simply will not countenance being lied to by their own President.

People think that young people don't care about things, but I think they do care; they just aren't super interested in conforming to what older people think are the right way to do things.

He's the president. I'm the general. Unless I want to get impeached, I got to do what he says.

Hunger, thirst, cold, fatigue, your own physical and mental limitations - you will feel all of these. This teaches you about nature, more than that, you come face to face with yourself