If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Time held me green and dyingThough I sang in my chains like the sea.

I must change my life so that I can live it, not wait for it.

The political controversy surrounding this Boston's Big Dig could have the effect of throwing cold water on any plans for farsighted infrastructure development around the country.

I don't believe in worry. It doesn't change the outcome, but it make the now miserable, so I don't do it.

Gambling is a most foolish and imprudent pursuit.

The military should get rid of video gambling devices on nearly 100 overseas bases and posts

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

We are called to be contemplatives. ..by seeking the face of God in everything, everyone, everywhere, all the time.

Never before have we known what we know.

I talk about Breaking Bad being the most brilliant show ever, and even minor characters have subtle nuances and are fully drawn.