If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Vulnerability in the face of constant change is what we share, whatever our present condition.

What we believe is a matter of choice provided we have control over our thoughts. It’s no less than living in bliss with each passing moment when you can see your thoughts flowing in apt directions.

We must be courageous yet humble and do what is right not what will make you popular,

Pity is cruel. Pity destroys.

The sad and horrible conclusion is that no one cared that Jews were being murdered... This is the Jewish lesson of the Holocaust and this is the lesson which Auschwitz taught us.

I think kids in general are much more capable of understanding the idea of being transgender than adults.

The past lies like a nightmare upon the present.

When you accept yourself, the Universe accepts you.

Lean forward into your life... catch the best bits and the finest wind. Just tip your feathers in flight a wee bit and see how dramatically that small lean can change your life.

Melancholy is not one of my emotions. Quite seriously, I don't do melancholy. It's a miserable way to be.