If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

Magic is a dangerous thing, child. It isn’t something to use lightly.

A sailor's joys are as simple as a child's.

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

Sincerity and truth are the basis of every virtue.

It is, I guess, politically correct, widely believed, that to say that American health care is the best in the world. It's not.

Next to religion, baseball has had a greater impact on our American way of life than any other American institution.

You're as good as anybody.

I think we all want something to knock us on the head and change our lives.

For me, an area of moral clarity is: you're in front of someone who's suffering and you have the tools at your disposal to alleviate that suffering or even eradicate it, and you act.

There are three different modes: playing piano, just me at the microphone, and me at my effects units. And I can mix those up in different ways.