If you're put on a pedestal, you're supposed to behave yourself like a pedestal type of person. Pedestals actually have a limited circumference. Not much room to move around.

But nothing is more opaque than absolute transparency.

I hope that people will finally come to realize that there is only one 'race' - the human race - and that we are all members of it.

Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.

Canada was built on dead beavers.

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.

We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly.

You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.

Nature is to zoos as God is to churches.

If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia.

Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.

Step out in faith to claim a blessed life.

If you're stuck you could always double up with me at my place. It's the size of a postage stamp, but the roses are the size of poodles. So it sort of evens out." -Austin

I don't think there's anything more scary than being forced into doing stand-up comedy.

I guess that my activities inspire people and that I offer opportunities without realising what is going to happen next.

The reason there's so much ignorance is that those who have it are so eager to share it.

It does a man good to see his lady being brave while she has their baby... it inspires him.

Care shouldn't start in the emergency room.

I think that's what we love about the vodka, is that it's consistent. It's consistent in its pureness and that's how I tie it to restaurants.

Thank you for listening to Comedy Bang Bang! My name is Scott Aukerman and I will see you next week.

Life begins when we begin and each day we ought to be born again.