If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win.

Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed.

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

Life won't change if your mind doesn't change. A better life comes with a better mind.

Men can be very stupid. We cease to value what we have until it's gone, and only then do we realize the gold we glimpsed in distant hills pales as dross compared to treasure we had in hand.

Never, ladies, marry a fool. Any husband rather than a fool. With some other husband you may be unhappy, but with a fool you will be miserable.

Don't get stampeded by what people around you value. The task is to figure out what YOU value - and value highly enough to throw yourself into with unqualified passion.

Now my record deal helps me to do things for free or give more time to my community than I could otherwise.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

I’m not trying to satisfy anybody but myself and the role that I’m playing.

Anyone who comes into your life, under any circumstances, has something to teach you.

You may not know it yet, but Samantha Martin is a rock star, she'll tear your heart out one note at a time.

All is well ended, if the suit be won.