If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Deepen your faith in yourself.Nothing will be ableTo frighten or weaken you.

We are not poor. We just don't have any money!

Staring at the can clock never influence the appointed time that God has ordained for your manifestation. Hold your peace, but don't shift focus.

Yeah, I like cars and basketball. But you know what I like more? Bananas.

As human beings, we are the genetic elite, the sentient, contemplating and innovating sum of countless genetic accidents and transcription errors.

This is not a love story, but love is in it. That is, love is just outside it, looking for a way to break in.

Those that reach their goals perish.

I have had young fascinations but never love.

A decent cowboy does not take what belongs to someone else and if he does he deserves to be strung up and left for the flies and coyotes

"You need hedges.""Hedges," I said, bemused. "Yes, Edgar." He looked surprised and a little disappointed, as if I had failed to understand a very simple concept. "Hedges against the night."