If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

When once misfortune enters a house, silence is in vain.

Perfection is a thousand mistakes behind curtains.

They would need to be already wise, in order to love wisdom.

The censorship of language is the censorship of consciousness.

All problems in Computer Science can be solved by another level of indirection.

Public opinion aside, it will be up to the future pope to continue John Paul II's journey to sainthood. Many of the late pope's followers believe he is already there.

A tree is an incomprehensibl e mystery.

Happy Hour: a depressing comment on the rest of the day and a victory for the most limited Dionysian view of human nature.

I'm not that fashion-conscious. A lot of times, when women are appearing to be so perfect, it's because they're a mess underneath.

Subtlety may deceive you; integrity never will.