If you're wearing a Bluetooth thing and you've got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That's a really good social status indicator.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Being friendzoned is like standing near fire. You stand there to seek some warmth, but get burnt instead.

Have the mind of a fox, the heart of a lion, the tongue of a serpent, the flair of a swan, and the soul of a dove.

No more dreamin about the whole adult gig, We’re no longer burnin’ toward nothing, dude. Just well on our way on a mythical ship, which no longer touches Land. God Bless the Cap’n.

If you knew the mercy I am showing by not dismembering you where you stand for getting in my way, you would not stop thanking me.

I guess people might just get tired of my face.

A good husband makes a good wife at any time.

If you eat a chicken wing or a chicken tender in some parts of the country, I probably supplied it.

Five years from now, I don't know how I'll think.

Sons or fathers, poor men or rich men, sacred or secular: all are homosexual in their worship of everything phallic.

All is a riddle, and the key to a riddle...is another riddle.