If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

Occasionally you can hear her howl, when the sky is black and the moon is full.

You shouldn’t have done that, Dave.

Being a writer brings out a sassy woman inside me, and I love her so.

Somebody should have warned the Trojans. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.

I have everything in my house organized to an unnecessary T, and I love it! The only downside: I have no excuses for losing my to-do lists.

Cleverness is a burden after that. You are supposed to settle down and be a good person, raise your children, and be good to your friends, which you may not have been back when you were clever.

Whether it is committed by a group operating within or without the law, terrorism is still terrorism.

The body of the earth is of the nature of a fish... because it draws water as its breath instead of air.