If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while.

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Life Sucks,get a helmet

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

Crisis doesn't create character; it reveals it.

Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect all these strangers."

Press them continually with memory and dream and have them waste their Present there.

Much of what happens in Love Always is really from overheard conversations in the Russian Tea Room. It's an improvisation of the way certain Hollywood agents think and talk to each other.

I don't enjoy hearing the sound of my voice. The most important things for me are impossible to articulate extemporaneously.

It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you're not. It's a sign of your worth sometimes, if you're hated by the right people.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

You can't have three defenders moving up and one going back. The decisions a team makes are important. As a whole.

Tell me where are the flashbacks they all warned us would come?

She's applying her lipstick; I've always believed that the universe invented the color red solely for Latinas.

The price to generate a megawatt or a gigawatt of energy is coming down year after year. We're learning how to print it, make it more efficient.

If you only ever read one book in your life ... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.