If you think the ’80s were dumber than the ’70s, either you weren’t there or you weren’t paying attention.

We always ask where the time went. We never ask where it's coming from.

I’ll feel that horrible feeling in my stomach you get when you’ve gone over to the Dark Side. But I’ll be fine. That’s the good thing about the Dark Side. Eventually, your eyes adjust.

Genius flames and dies, but amiable competence can live forever.

The newspaper is a lecture. The Web is a conversation.

I don't believe in the very concept of "first thing in the morning." I'm a "third thing in the afternoon" fellow.

Calculus destroys self-esteem on contact.

If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior's hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems.

There are three stages to a man's life. 1. He laughs at Clark Griswold. 2. He sympathizes deeply with Clark Griswold. 3. He laughs at Clark Griswold.

All you need to know about Arafat was that he insisted on wearing a pistol when he addressed the UN General Assembly. And all you need to know about the UN, I suppose, is that they let him.

I want to believe in intelligent design, and hence I am suspicious of anything that seems to confirm my desire to believe.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.

Don't you understand? I want to spend my life with you. I want you to be there when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

There are no coincidences. Just miracles by the boatload.

There is something magical in seeing what you can do, what texture and tone and colour you can produce merely with a pen point and a bottle of ink.

Do I resent rich people? No. The best or worst I can do is notice them. I agree with the great Socialist writer George Orwell, who felt that rich people were poor people with money.

Who says that actors are cattle? Show me a cow who can earn a million dollars a film.

You learn from mistakes, you learn from losses, but this game doesn't put something on me where it's, 'Hey, I've finally done it. This was a big game. We won it and we have to move on.'

Anytime I switch to another instrument, I immediately turn it into another kind of drum so that I can understand it better.