If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Music itself was color-blind but the media and the radio stations segregate it based on their perceptions of the artists.

I learned to love my son without wanting to possess him and I learned how to teach him to teach himself.

No knowledge can be more satisfactory to a man than that of his own frame its parts their functions and actions.

There is nothing in life but refraining from hurting others and comforting those that are sad.

Surely words are just the background music when passion pounces on a soul.

I'm romantically inclined. No human being on Earth is not attracted to other people. There is no fairy tale that they only have eyes for you. You just choose to act on it or not.

I read like fiends smoke crack

No matter what the cause was and wherever it was, Indian governments must never requisition the services of British soldiers to deal with civil disturbances.

The repercussion of ugliness is endless.

Then the dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to God who gave it.