If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Understanding” is a word that I cherish. Understanding is what helps us to love before we judge. Understanding helps us to know more of ourselves and do the same to others.

Among the many values in life, I appreciate freedom most.

I'm home in New Orleans!

Each soil has had its own history. Like a river, a mountain, a forest, or any natural thing, its present condition is due to the influences of many things and events of the past.

I have always liked shows that have laughter in them.

The ignorant pronounce it Frood To cavil or applaud The well-informed pronounce it Froyd But I pronounce it Fraud.

No partisan political activity transpired in my office during the recount period.

Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God Bless the U.S.A.

There is still time to avoid the worst impacts of climate change, if we take strong action now.

Beauty's easy. Modeling is not just about being pretty.