If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

Let us face ourselves. We are Hyperboreans!

A heroic moral victory for the New York Mets. It may be the only kind of victory we're achieving this season, but he set a good example for professional athletes and the rest of us.

I may be the first woman member of Congress, but I won’t be the last.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Re raising kids: Love, without discipline, isn't.

We're blessed on 'How I Met Your Mother' to feel like we're doing a bit of a funny playlet everyday.

Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see, but it is impossible. Humans hide their secrets too well.

Never want to say anything so strongly that you give up the option of finding something better. If you have to say it, you will.

Justice is a certain rectitude of mind whereby a man does what he ought to do in the circumstances confronting him.

Wit is the refractory pupil of judgment.