If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Individuals create themselves through their moral choices. By freely and repeatedly choosing certain sorts of things, an individual shapes their character, and through their character their future.

We cannot effectively pursue holiness without the Word of God stored up in our minds where it can be used by the Holy Spirit to transform us. Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace, 180

Those who trade with heaven by prayer grow rich by quick returns.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.

I think his deepest quality is empathy.

We don't, in a sensible world, want to hand on an increasingly dysfunctional world to our grandchildren.

Just as I defend myself, therefore, From all unpleasant happenings however small, Likewise, I shall act for others' sake To guard and to protect them with compassion.

The power of spiritual knowledge gives you centeredness, which brings out passion in work & dispassion in meditation.